Stage 2 Results...

Lessons in failure and momentum (unedited thoughts)

Unfortunately, I didn’t pass my Stage 2 Master of Wine Exams this time round.

I know some people have already shared their results, like my dear friend Dan (well worth subscribing to). But I decided to wait a while.

Like any of life’s great hurdles, a bit of time and temperance is never a bad thing. In fact, if I had written this post any time on the weekend I found out then I could have come across as upset woman, angry woman, shamed woman. You’d have roll the dice on any given minute since I and I would have delivered you a trope so exaggerated it wouldn’t have seemed sane, let alone insightful.

But time has given me perspective. As did finishing the week in the Scottish Highlands, with plenty of time to think waiting on the bank for my husband to (unsuccessfully) catch salmon and with a pod of over 100 dolphins following our boat as we left Lochinver.

Dolphins in Scotland softening the blow

As I opened the email, my heart sank. I hadn’t planned to pass the Tasting as I knew I hadn’t been tasting enough, so I quickly scanned to the Theory… gutted.

Practical Paper 1 = C (Between 5-10% off a pass)

Practical Paper 2 = C (Between 5-10% off a pass)

Practical Paper 3 = B (Pass, a pleasant surprise)

Theory Paper 1 = B+ (Pass)

Theory Paper 2 = C+ (Less than 5% off a pass)

Theory Paper 3 = C (Between 5-10% off a pass, and hardly surprising as this is the paper I really struggle with)

Theory Paper 4 = B (Pass)

Theory Paper 5 = C+ (Less than 5% off a pass, again!)

Knowing that I had passed 3 papers, and was less than 10% off a pass (in one case less than 5%) for the others was an even harder reality to accept. Some of my peers didn’t pass any this year, others passed a few but had one or two significantly lower scores. But I had been within touching distance. “Brutal” is the reaction I got from one MW.

So what next?

I had promised my husband I would take a year out, regardless of my score. This year, alongside my exam prep, we bought a house in a foreign country which need an entire renovation which we’re both project managing. I left my full-time, stable job and began life as a freelancer. I ramped up my French lessons to enable me to enjoy our life out here more fully.

Rennovations this week

None of these things have gone away. I’m still getting to grips with my new work; still renovating the house; still learning French. Christ, we’ve even had nine adorable puppies that are just now ready to leave to new homes.

So, I appreciated his sentiments, taking a year off would be the obvious solution for anyone not in the programme.

But honestly, being so close made me question if that was the right choice. MWs I spoke to in the preceding days all told me to ‘keep momentum’ and go again. But, as I said, I decided to take a few days to let the dust settle.

So, after a few days of contemplation, I realised that it wasn’t failing the exam that upset so me so much. It was failing the exam alongside failing everything else in life. That’s what hurts. Feeling that I didn’t just make sacrifices, I made errors. I have lived all elements of my life half-arsed this year.  I’m not a failing person, but I have felt like a failure. Not because I got a few Cs, but because everything else has seemed to fall around me.

‘Lick your wounds and go again’ were the words of encouragement from my mentor. And they’re valuable words. But I realised that I don’t need to ‘lick my wounds’ at the moment, the wounds of failing the exam itself aren’t that deep.

Instead, I need to put fractured bones into plaster casts and completely reset. I’m working out how to make the foundations of my life strong again. I literally, and figuratively, need to get my house in order.

I questioned why I didn’t quite make it this year. I compared myself to my brilliant study partner Janice who passed on her first attempt. Why was Janice always able to write up her notes on time? Why was she able to commit to weekends abroad at other bootcamps? To weekly tuition with an esteemed MW?

The answer was simple.

I was trying to run my marathon on quicksand.

So, although I appreciate the wisdom of those who have told me to take another stab this year, I will be deferring my place on the programme for one year. That means I won’t be able to re-take the exam in June 2024, and will have to wait until June 2025 – a quite surreal thing to accept.

But I won’t be treating this year as a ‘year off’. Far from it.

Whilst I will still commit plenty of time to my studies, I will also make sure that I don’t neglect the other commitments in my life. I’ll spend quality time with my husband and with family and friends; I’ll play my part in finishing our new home; I’ll fully set up my new business; I’ll lose the weight I’ve gained from neglecting to exercise; I’ll read plenty of books (some wine books, but some not) and I’ll make sure the foundations are more solid for my next attempt.

I’ve noticed recently that my writing style has often featured lists like the one above. Hardly surprising when I feel like my stream of conscious has been a perpetual to do list, one that I never finish and that I am always disappointed by.

I was moved by a book that my mentor, Will Lowe MW, recommended called Atomic Habits. It’s the idea that micro-improvements and small gains amount to greater gains in the end. It’s fine tuning the race car to win the Formula One.

So what does it mean for this blog?

My first micro-habit is to create more content, but to do it to serve more purpose.

I’ll be planning three essays each week and writing two of those under timed conditions. I will then tweak one essay to be a little more ‘reader friendly’ and posting it onto this blog every fortnight.

I’ll also be tasting more, and posting my tasting notes (again, more reader friendly, less academic versions!) onto this blog too.

So expect more content from me, hold me accountable to my weekly micro-habit, and I’ll keep my momentum more consistently to 2025.

Anna

(Please excuse the rough, unedited copy above. After weeks of editing game plan in my head, it didn’t feel right to edit the word that poured out of me about it!)